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Tony Grist

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My Main Concern [Mar. 13th, 2010|02:31 pm]
Tony Grist
My main concern is for Ailz. She's not fit to be running her parents around the way she's had to do this past week- nor to deal with the anxiety arising.  There's a reason why she draws disability benefit- and if she disregards her limitations she gets ill.  Her parents sort of acknowledge this- and sort of don't. She's absolutely drained this weekend. She needs to sleep- and yet she can't sleep because of the pain.  Last night- and this is typical- she went to bed around seven, then got up at two, took some painkillers- and came back to bed at four. Normally she paces herself: one day she'll put herself out- like go to the shops- next day she'll spend in bed.. Having to run her mother to the hospital and the shops day after day  has flattened her. 

 (I don't drive, by the way)

I've put my foot down. I've said she's not going round there tomorrow for Mother's Day and she's not running her father to hospital for an appointment on Monday either.   

As for her father, he's sicker than any of us are openly acknowledging around him.  He wants to play it as if this is a temporary indisposition- and he'll bounce back from it.  But it isn't and he won't. He can barely walk, his pneumonia hasn't cleared up, there's something fundamentally wrong with his stomach- and he isn't eating properly.  Every time the phone goes I expect it to be my mother-in-law calling for help- help  we're not in any fit state to provide...
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: wlotus
2010-03-13 02:37 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're there to help Aliz take care of herself. I admire her devotion to her parents, but she must take care of herself, or she won't be any good to anyone.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Yes, there's a balance to be struck.
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[User Picture]From: ideealisme
2010-03-13 02:39 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear this.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 03:46 pm (UTC)
C'est la vie.

But I'm constantly on the lookout for reasons to be cheerful...
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[User Picture]From: clindau
2010-03-13 02:46 pm (UTC)
Keeping a good thought for you. Happy Mother's Day to Aliz, too.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 03:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks.
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[User Picture]From: jenny_evergreen
2010-03-13 03:20 pm (UTC)
I so wish we had a better way to handle these things. :\
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 03:47 pm (UTC)
Yes.

But that's life!
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[User Picture]From: dadi
2010-03-13 03:48 pm (UTC)
You are so right to "force" Ailz to take care of herself. A person who doesn´t save her own forces can´t be of help to anybody else. That said, I am very sorry for her parents, I am seeing my own father going up and down for years now, fortunately my mother still drives but who knows for how long. These things are so difficult to organize...
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 04:21 pm (UTC)
My father-in-law drives and my mother-in-law doesn't. Luckily she's still quite active- and capable of getting around on buses...
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[User Picture]From: oakmouse
2010-03-13 03:58 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry about Ailz's father. An American friend is going through much the same with his dad right now, and it's not looking good.

You're dead right that she has to take care of herself, though. Otherwise she hurts herself and doesn't do them any good.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 04:28 pm (UTC)
Caring for the old folk- it's like raising children; nothing prepares you for it.
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[User Picture]From: oakmouse
2010-03-13 07:22 pm (UTC)
Quite right. And unlike raising kids, there's not a lot of hope for a bright future, which makes it especially difficult.
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[User Picture]From: heleninwales
2010-03-13 04:31 pm (UTC)
It's a good job you're there to stop Ailz running herself ragged. It's hard when parents decline, but making herself ill with worry and over-doing things won't help.

Is there any other way of getting your dad to hospital? Do they have any kind of taxi or ambulance service?
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 05:03 pm (UTC)
Yes. They can afford taxis.

And they could probably arrange for an ambulance to pick him up if they cared to.

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[User Picture]From: lblanchard
2010-03-13 05:56 pm (UTC)
The default tends to be "call the kid." My mother did a lot of that the last year of her life, forgetting that I live thirty miles away and don't have a car.

I think a lot of it in my mother's case actually meant "I'm losing my independence and I'm frightened -- stay with me."
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 08:24 pm (UTC)
Calling the kid is the easy option.

When we got married Ailz's parents moved house to be near her. She's always felt they were breathing down her neck.
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[User Picture]From: daisytells
2010-03-13 06:43 pm (UTC)
By putting your foot down like that, you are doing the right thing as Ailz's caregiver. I for one have never been able to see what good it does a sick parent or child if the person they rely on wears themselves out and ends up in hospital. Who would take care of the person then?
I also understand why Ailz is quick to go when called, but with her disability she needs someone (like you!) to help her continue to pace herself.
Her parents ought to call taxis on days that she cannot be there.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-13 08:28 pm (UTC)
We can help out, but we can't do everything. Ailz has pushed herself to her limit this past week.
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[User Picture]From: airstrip
2010-03-13 10:46 pm (UTC)
I don't know what to say.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-14 09:51 am (UTC)
I try to take it day by day...
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[User Picture]From: sovay
2010-03-13 10:48 pm (UTC)
I've said she's not going round there tomorrow for Mother's Day and she's not running her father to hospital for an appointment on Monday either.

I think that's very reasonable. She herself deserves a Mother's Day that isn't spent flat on her back in bed, in pain.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-14 09:53 am (UTC)
Yes indeed.
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[User Picture]From: pondhopper
2010-03-14 12:16 am (UTC)
Aging is a dilemma...for everybody. Ailz has to take care of herself or even what she is able to do will have to stop.
It's a hard part of life indeed to have aging parents.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2010-03-14 09:57 am (UTC)
Nothing really prepares you for the process of growing old.
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[User Picture]From: silverhawkdruid
2010-03-14 01:13 pm (UTC)
Wishing Ailz and you a peaceful Mothers' Day, and her mum and dad a quiet and restful one too, so they don't feel the need to bug you guys. :-)
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