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Tony Grist

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After The Funeral [Sep. 15th, 2004|09:19 am]
Tony Grist
My father died at the back end of last year. We've had time to grieve and now it seems like we're all beginning to remember what a gruesome old sod he was. I spent all my adult life disliking him and keeping as far away from him as I could, then, just at the end, as if we'd seen a warning flare go up, we made a special effort and had two or three good hours together. After the funeral it seemed like those two or three good hours had cancelled out all that went before, but of course they hadn't.

He was "disappointed" in me. That's what I've recently heard. I knew it in my bones (of course) but it was a shock to be told it. In the rare times when we were together the disappointment hung in the air like fog, but it was never spoken. I used always to get migraines when I visited him.

So what were you disappointed in, Dad? What exactly? And when did you decide that I was so disappointing? When I was 35? 25? 15? 5? I've really no means of telling because I don't ever remember a time when you acted like you enjoyed having me around.

Forgiveness? I don't understand what that word means. You were the way you were. You cast a blight over my life and many other lives. And nothing I do or say now can change it.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2004-09-15 08:22 am (UTC)
I'm hoping I've achieved something by writing this post. I was feeling blocked- like I had nothing to say- but I've been in that position often enough to know that it means I'm suppressing something. So I dug around a bit and these feelings about my father are what I found.

This afternoon I've been walking around telling myself- hey, he's not around any more. He doesn't exist any more. He's gone. And I've celebrated (cruel word, but it's what I feel) by taking down two pictures of him I've had on display and putting them away in the family photograph box.

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[User Picture]From: tamnonlinear
2004-09-15 08:36 am (UTC)
I don't think it's cruel. He's not around anymore to be hurt by it, and it helps you. Sounds like a good deal to me.

i hope it helps too.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2004-09-15 08:39 am (UTC)
Thanks. It's been an emotionally gruelling day, but I'm feeling quite cheerful now. :)
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