If I went back I'd just be repeating myself. And I hate repeating myself. One of my problems with the Church was we had to speak the same texts over and over again. At least with Wicca I could write a new ritual every time or- even better- improvise.
I threw Christianity away. I've since had to go and retrieve it from the bushes, brush it down, leaf through the pages, draw a moral or two.
I never rejected Wicca as violently. It's more like I pushed it aside- out of my direct line of vision. But the process of reclamation is the same.
You can't just discard things in your past. Well, I suppose you can, but you'll always feel the absence- like a phantom limb or something.
I have problems with the word belief. Why is it considered virtuous to believe- to have faith? Our society is gentle with people of faith- even when the things they believe are manifestly wrong or wicked. When you believe in something you can't prove and others- maybe- can disprove, where's the virtue in that? It just means you're a fool, an unreflective fool, a sap.
Our society pretends to value independent thought. it doesn't really. People who think things through are a nuisance. They wobble the applecart our rulers sit astride.
That's why faith is valued. it serves the ends of the rulers of the world. The faithful are easier to govern.
You can't keep politics out of it.
So, "belief". I don't believe in anything. Or rather, I don't use that word if I can possibly help it. What I do is live my truth. This truth is certainly questionable. At lot of what I regard as truth is unacceptable to the current orthodoxy.
But I don't think my truth contains anything that has been definitively disproved. If it does then more fool me.
And my truth is? Related to Plato's image of the prisoners in the cave. We live an illusion. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players....." OK, I've got Plato and Shakespeare on my side, but I don't feel the need to argue a case. It's not a belief but a feeling. I feel it in here. Arguments aren't going to touch it.
And following this feeling- this truth- has taken me through Christianity and Wicca and other changes of scenery to wherever I am now.
Whatever I am now.
I had to fill in a questionnaire the other day and when it came to religion I scratched my head for a while, rejected "agnostic" and put "pagan". Doesn't mean I still dance round bonfires. (Not that I object to bonfires- far from it). Means I entertain superstitions and household gods and a profound scepticism about official dogma after the high Roman fashion. Means my mind is wide open to whatever promptings it may receive from whatever worlds are out there.