Because if I do I'm going to sound like a snob.
So what are you going to write about?
How about the TV play about Shakespeare I watched a bit of last night? It was really funny. They kept saying things like "forsooth".
Well, you can if you like but no-one else is going to have seen it or have a clue what you're banging on about.
How about Dr Who then?
Wait until you've seen the second half
Oh, all right then: I've been bending over backwards to think of Rooney as the twinkle-toed wizard of dribble but I keep coming back to that face.
What's wrong with the face?
Oh, come on; it's simian; It's Bill Sikes with the masculinity subtracted; it's half bulldog, half weasel.; it's the sort of face you'd cross town to avoid meeting after dark on a Saturday night.
It's a good honest proletarian face. Wayne was brought up without your advantages.
Yes, yes, I know. And that's why I didn't want to write this, but after the way he stomped on that guy's balls, then tried to turn the England-Portugal match into a donnybrook the topic is unavoidable.
You're about to say he's setting our youth a bad example aren't you?
Well he is.
There you are; wasn't so painful ,was it?
*Sobs* I have turned into my mother....