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Tony Grist

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A Bit Of A Rant [Sep. 4th, 2005|10:42 am]
Tony Grist
This person was put in place as a volunteer carer- to offer Ailz companionship and give me space to gad off on my own- but she never shows up without requests for favours. She gives us nothing- and certainly not the service we thought she was offering- and takes all she can.

She got Ailz to fix her computer (it took hours and hours). She got Ailz to type up her dissertation- it turned out to need editing and rewriting as well.

And when she talks, she talks about herself and herself and herself. Justifying herself, praising herself. We're good listeners, but this tape is on a loop...

I feel a deep sense of anger and betrayal.

Then she rings to request (actually more like demand) that we place bids on eBay for her. I tell her Ailz is feeling really rough. She goes on pestering.

In the morning her teenage son rings and pesters some more. Bid on these shoes for me. Up to £20.

And whose pocket is that £20 coming out of? When will it be repaid?

We've had it. That's enough. We tell her supervisor to pull her off our case.

She rings but I'm not answering the phone. If I did I would shout.

[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2005-09-05 04:22 am (UTC)
I find it hard to think bad thoughts about people. I keep on and on giving them the benefit of the doubt
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[User Picture]From: jackiejj
2005-09-05 05:18 am (UTC)
And she was on the phone again this morning?

She wants to move beyond her relationship as a helper and become a friend (and leech) of the family--or even a sort-of relative.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2005-09-05 07:08 am (UTC)
And she rang again this afternoon, going "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...." I played her (to use a cricket term) with a straight bat, answering defensively and non-commitally when what I should have done is tell her to get lost.

Ach, I thought we were done with her but she won't let go that easily- won't take a hint. I guess eventually we're going to have to be brutal.

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[User Picture]From: jackiejj
2005-09-05 07:22 am (UTC)
I'm trying to think how this might play out--

Why was she saying "Sorry, etc."? Had she already been informed by the caregivers' association, so called to apologize?

If they've told her your complaints, then I'd think you owe her nothing more than, "So sorry it didn't work out, then. If you have any further questions, please call the Service. And I have taken your dissertation, your tea kettle, and your shoes to the Service, so you can pick them up there."

Oh--and hopefully soon you can say to her, "And we now have a new Carer."


Is it possible that she will show up at your door weeping and begging?

Well, you must have a plan for that...

Not answering the bell comes to mind. :)

I'm sorry, Tony. This is so sad. It sounds as if you are being bombarded--as if you fed a stray cat who is now howling for milk on your porch.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2005-09-05 08:01 am (UTC)
A stray cat howling for milk- I like that.

Yes, the supervisor had already spoken to her. I thought that would be the end of the matter.

I must admit she wrong-footed me. I was expecting indignation not penitence. I was prepared to be firm with her if she made excuses, but what I got was this torrent of apology and pleading.

Please forgive me, please take me back, Aileen is my bestest friend.

Yes, we definitely need a plan....
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-09-05 08:51 am (UTC)
Perhaps as a first plan, you and Ailz could take off in her speedy roadster!


You've been in the ministry. You know that there's supposed to be a slight remove in place so that no one becomes "bestest friends" in these things--I was a hospice volunteer for a couple of years, and it was very hard to say no to pressures for deepening a relationship that began with a mutual intense purpose but was never really a friendship...one woman whose mother had been my patient called me at work several times, referring to me as her "sister," which was extremely uncomfortable to me, and finally I just had to say it was time to move on and that I would not be back.

I didn't handle transference well--is that partly what it is?--and ultimately didn't want to hurt people, so I actually quit volunteering. I didn't know how to break off, didn't know how to keep that barrier in place, felt guilty--

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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2005-09-05 09:32 am (UTC)
Ah transference.....

Of course.

No, I was never much good with transference either. It seemed a little inhuman to insist on the divide, the distance. But that, of course, is one of the reasons for wearing a uniform- in my case a clerical collar- to make the point that the "relationship" is on a professional footing.

I think K may be thinking of Ailz as a "sister". Oh dear- how to disabuse her?
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[User Picture]From: jackiejj
2005-09-05 10:40 am (UTC)
How to disabuse her--

It seems to me that simplest and truest is best at this point: "We would like you to stop calling. Thank you for honoring our wishes in this matter. I hope you'll understand, but I am going to hang up now. Goodbye, and good luck to you..."

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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2005-09-05 11:26 am (UTC)

Yes, that's the way to do it.
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[User Picture]From: jackiejj
2005-09-05 08:52 am (UTC)
Oh, drat to LJ and its all-too-easy "anonymous"!

That was my post that just came through.
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