June 29th, 2004

I Was Lord Kitchener's Sandwich Spread

I'll read anything.

I read the label on my bottle of Heinz salad cream and learned that the Heinz company invented this particular delicacy as long ago as 1914.

Which means that Charlie Chaplin could have spread it on his boots....that Lord Kitchener could have got it stuck in his moustache....

Heinz salad cream is the taste of a 1950s summer. It's what you dolloped all over that wet green stuff to make it edible. Later I rediscovered it as an ingredient in the perfect bacon sandwich.

More recently I went up-market and abandoned it in favour of mayonnaise. But that flirtation hasn't lasted. Mayonnaise is too eggy, indigestible and artery-furring for me now. I'm back with my old love. And listen, it's not as artificial as you- and I- thought it was. I've taken another look at the label. No E-numbers. Nothing but the pure natural goodness of spirit vinegar, vegetable oil and modified cornflour. The stabilisers are xanthan gum and guar gum. The colouring is riboflavin.

If it was good enough for Kitchener and Chaplin, it's good enough for me.