||[Jun. 6th, 2013|09:04 am]
Ailz rings her mother every day and gets met with a barrage of snark and self pity. Dot is desperately jealous that we're down here paying attention to my mother and not up there paying attention to her. I stood in for Ailz the other day and got a taste of what she's up against. It was nasty. So I put on my shining imaginary cricket whites and protective gear. The way to deal with such people is to think of them as tricksy spin bowlers and go forward to them and block everything they send down.|
And, maybe, every once in a while, sweep them to the boundary.
Ailz's word for her mother's behaviour is "dishonourable". I can't think of a better.
I can understand that she feels abandoned, but she obviously has no idea how to incentivise people to spend more time with her. How do you think you will deal with the situation?
I think ringing her every day is already a fairly generous initiative.
All of which explains why I haven't seen my mother in over forty years..............
HUGS to you both.
Sometimes I wonder why motherhood gets such a good press. An awful lot of the mothers I've come across are vile to their children.
To be fair, having worked with seriously disabled and terminally ill kids, I've come across some superb mothers too! :o)
Frightened, abandoned, and possibly cognitively impaired. Keep those shiny cricket whites handy.
Also wholly self-centred and beaming out negativity...
It's been my experience that frightened old people are always wholly self-centered and beaming out negativity. It's part of feeling powerless and frightened. Doesn't mean you shouldn't have perfectly normal reactions to it. My mother inspired wildly cycling compassion and supreme exasperation in me the last year or so of her life.
Obviously, she is feeling abandoned. I'm sure that she has no idea how unpleasant she is to be around. Is she up there all alone? Loneliness can kill, and is a HUGE problem for the elderly. It is not your responsibility to fix it for her. It is not children's responsibility to take care of their parents. She needs to take responsibility and find something else to do... something she enjoys... something that will make her, in turn, more pleasant to be around.
What does she enjoy (besides "motherhood"... which she needs to be done with)? Maybe Ailz can encourage her towards that.
Motherhood? She was a lousy mother.
She and Eric were wholly wrapped up in one another- to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. She has a goodish brain which she has chosen not to develop and has no interests or hobbies.
In fact there are signs that Ailz's absence is doing her good. She's been going out more than she did when we were around. She went to an exercise class earlier this week- something she wouldn't have done if Ailz had been around to entertain her.
Is Dot physically able?
She is feeling emotionally abandoned and that's rough. It isn't in her mental make-up not to feel that way, unfortunately, and she doesn't even realize how her jealousy aggravates your feelings towards her. She has to be encouraged towards finding people she can spend time with, people who are of her own age and condition...is that possible?
Yes, she's physically able.
We've tried to point her towards outside interests. And now we're no longer around she seems to be bestirring herself a little. She went to an exercise class on Tuesday.
Are you familiar with Cruse
? Is there a local branch that Ailz's mum could attend.
My Dad got a lot out of the meetings when my mum died. He was a relatively young widower, only in his late-50s, but perhaps there's something that they offer that would suit Ailz's mum?
People like that find themselves talking to my voice mail, not to me.