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Tony Grist

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Hardening My Heart [Jan. 23rd, 2018|09:55 am]
Tony Grist
 OK. Deep breath. I am not a son dealing with his mother. I am a parent dealing with a sulky kid who doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning . 

A week ago I thought my mother was dying- and while that was the case I was happy for her to stay in bed all day but it seems she just had a cold and was no more dying than any of us are and since she's planning to go on being alive she needs to do it to the best of her ability and get dressed and come downstairs and eat breakfast at the table like a reasonable human being. 

I faltered briefly in the Captain Bligh act. The ear was pressed into the pillow and I didn't see any way of inserting a hearing aid short of using physical force. Fortunately I had a couple of heavies at my elbow- or carers as I prefer to call them...


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[User Picture]From: pondhopper
2018-01-23 12:57 pm (UTC)
We have to adopt a good deal of reverse behaviour from our usual towards our parents when the time comes to treat them as our children. There is a resistance in us because...well, because it's not supposed to be that way. But it was that way with my mother who didn't live all that long but did have a huge loss of memory from a massive stroke. It was hard...but she did understand what she needed to do in the end even if it meant getting dressed and sitting in her wheelchair all day, going to meals and nodding off the rest of time. In short, I understand what you mean. They can also become very stubborn as you are finding and maybe that's their last way of showing independence. The whole subject makes me a bit sad sometimes.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2018-01-23 01:43 pm (UTC)
My mother has taken to asking "And what's the point of that?" And the answer in most instances is, "Actually there isn't one. We're keeping you moving around for the sake of appearances. You've sat and dozed in that chair all morning and now you're going to spend the afternoon dozing in another one."
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[User Picture]From: matrixmann
2018-01-23 01:27 pm (UTC)
I think that's the part of caring when it starts get really hard, right?
Only try to imagine that and I think it's like being in a madhouse. The smallest things that anyone considers "self-evident" are core of discussion and negotiation because they're not self-evident to someone (anymore).
It's okay when someone has the basic temper to be calm and reasonable, so that he realizes his own state in some way and is actually happy about other people helping him. But not all people are like that... Even more, when forgetting about everything because of a physical process, then they also may forget in between it what their fears, hesitation and social acceptable behavior are.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2018-01-23 01:47 pm (UTC)
It certainly doesn't get any easier.

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[User Picture]From: lblanchard
2018-01-23 03:17 pm (UTC)
Consider the possibility that she may really want to lie in her bed and painlessly drift away...
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2018-01-23 04:21 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, that was what I thought she was doing- but then she rallied. She's physically strong- and doesn't seem ready to let go. A week or two back she was talking about wanting to die- but she's stopped it now.
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[User Picture]From: halfmoon_mollie
2018-01-23 10:48 pm (UTC)
you have my sincere sympathy and admiration. I'm dealing with the same sort of thing, myself.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2018-01-24 09:26 am (UTC)
Thanks. And you have mine. :)
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[User Picture]From: davesmusictank
2018-01-24 01:31 am (UTC)
Oh my, i really have no advice. It must be very trying though.
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[User Picture]From: poliphilo
2018-01-24 09:27 am (UTC)
One tries to keep calm and carry on.

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